


forever and a fucking day

by stuckonylove



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Mental Illness, Suicide, winteriron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 07:39:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15383892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckonylove/pseuds/stuckonylove
Summary: "Why would I want to leave the one thing that means more to me than anything else? I don't know either. I don't want to leave you though. It's this head on my shoulders I want to leave. It's so fucked up in here. I know how much you gave up to save me, which is all the more reason I'm so mad at myself for deciding to leave this world. But I'm at my breaking point. I want nothing else but this."





	forever and a fucking day

**Author's Note:**

> i actually hated myself the entire time i was writing this. i hope it breaks your heart like it broke mine.

**Post Captain America: Civil War - AU where Bucky doesn't go in the cryo in Wakanda. Instead, Tony gets them an apartment away from the city so Bucky can relax and hide for a while. But Bucky's battling something greater than ever before, and he can't do it anymore.**

Tony,

_God, I can't believe I'm writing this._

_Maybe I shouldn't. My body is shaking so bad right now, and I'm trying my damndest to keep a steady hand. You always said you liked my handwriting, so now I feel even worse because the last thing I'm ever gonna write isn't neat for you._

_I originally planned for this to be short, but I see now that it isn't possible. There's no way I could fit all of the things I need to tell you into a short letter. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I could turn everything around, make myself better. Better for you. But no one can fix me Tony, not even you._

_Fuck, I hope you don't blame yourself._

_I know that mind of yours though. I know you'll place it under your responsibility, but Tony, I promise you, there is nothing that you could do that you haven't already done. I'm messed up, Tony. I wish I could make you understand. I wish you could see inside my head. See the demons. See the ghosts of the people I've hurt. People I've killed._

_God, it's become too much to bear._

_Just know I love you, sweetheart. You're the reason I stayed as long as I did. Being with you was like being at home. Wherever you were, that's where I wanted to be. I know much of this doesn't make sense. Why would I want to leave the one thing that means more to me than anything else? I don't know either. I don't want to leave you though. It's this head on my shoulders I want to leave. It's so fucked up in here. I know how much you gave up to save me, which is all the more reason I'm so mad at myself for deciding to leave this world. But I'm at my breaking point. I want nothing else but this._

_I just want you to know it's not gonna hurt. I don't think that will make you feel much better, but just know it'll be painless. I'm gonna take the whole bottle of my Donormyl. You know, that stuff they gave me to help with my insomnia? Fuck, you probably don't wanna know how I'm gonna go._

_I wish I wouldn't have written that._

_Although, when they find me, I'm sure they'll tell you what happened. I'm sorry. I can't think straight._

_It's over a page and a half already, but I'm not ready to end it just yet. You need to know how much I love you. I know I utter those words at least a hundred times a day, but I feel like with you, they never do justice. No one's ever done for me what you have, and I promised you when you found me I'd be grateful until the day I died, and now that that day has come, I realize I'll continue to be grateful even after this, however that works._

_Did that make sense? Probably not. Again, I'm sorry. My mind is scattered so bad._

_Can I ask something of you? I know, I know. How rich of me to expect something of you when I'm doing this? But doll please, never stop smiling. That smile of yours, God it makes me weak in the knees. It could save the whole wide world._

_I made sure to put on that grey sweatshirt of yours that I like so much. It smells like you._

_Fuck, I'm rambling. I can't help it. I feel like someone's slammed my head against a goddamn wall._

_I gotta get this over with before you get home._

_I just took the whole bottle. No turning back. They were easier to swallow than usual. Maybe my body knows what I'm doing. I don't fucking know._

_My hands are even shakier than before. I'm getting dizzy. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to write._

_Listen, baby. I love you. I love you more than I could ever describe, and I'm so sorry I'm leaving you this way._

_My vision is going in and out of focus. I'm scared, Tony. I'm so goddamn scared. But I did this. Remember that, okay? This was my choice. No one else's._

_I can feel myself drifting. I'm so sorry. Never been so sorry in my life. I hope you can forgive me._

_I love you, Anthony, forever and a fucking day. So fucking much._

_Never forget that._

 

 

Steve was the one to find Bucky.

Tony had called him four times. No answer. 

Being that he was at an important meeting, he couldn't leave, and he asked Steve to go check on him. It wasn't like Bucky to not answer the phone. 

 

 

Bucky slid the pills down his throat alone while wearing his boxers and that grey sweatshirt, his messy hair hanging down around his face, paper still in his hand.

And that's how Steve found him. _Alone_.

He had to call 911 even though he felt no pulse. He had to call Tony, and he had to tell him what he had found on the bathroom floor. He had to mourn along with Tony, the sight of Bucky lying there hitting him in the chest like a freight train, and knowing how much harder it was gonna crash into Tony. Amongst the EMTs, the policemen, the investigators, Tony shoved his way into the house, down the hall, to the left, and he almost threw up. His chest was tight. He couldn't breathe, head spinning, but he managed to get to Bucky, wrapping him up, holding his lifeless body in his arms. He screamed at the EMTs until his throat felt like he had downed six shots in a row. Screamed at them, hoping they'd be able to do something, but deep down, he knew. The looks on everyone's faces told him the one thing he was refusing to hear. 

"There was nothing we could do."

He stopped screaming and resorted to shaking, squeezing Bucky as hard as his weak arms would allow. Steve could do nothing but watch the events unfold, silent tears streaming down his face, unable to look at the dead body of his friend any longer.

Broken sobs began to fill the room from Tony, each one accompanied by words. They were mostly incoherent, except for one phrase that he continued to utter over and over, without ceasing. 

"I'm so sorry, Bucky - so so sorry."

 

**Author's Note:**

> aaaand i still hate myself


End file.
